Wednesday, November 30, 2005

A dummies’ guide on how to behave like a Malaysian Politician in time of crisis

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(The man in “thick of the action” – Deputy Internal Security Minister: “Semuanya OK?”. Does this sound familiar? Picture source: www.rmp.gov.my)
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Whenever I read the newspaper or watch the news over TV these days, some of the actions (or rather reactions) of our politicians especially those who call themselves Ministers & Deputy Ministers, looks all too familiar. I have seen the same reactions before (many, many time before). I won’t be surprised if after the “hoo-haa” of the Malaysian’s Abu Ghraib incident, the actual outcome of the so-called investigation will just be swept under the carpet (In fact, I am betting with a friend on this)

So, for those who are still not aware of the sorry state of Malaysian politics, I have compiled a short "dummies’ guide" on how to behave like a Malaysian Politician in time of crisis:-

1. When faced with a crisis, try avoiding the media or the Parliament. A good way to do it is to go for overseas conference (in place of your junior staff) or decide for a “serious-sounded” surgery (serious sounded = minor surgery but the medical term used is too bombastic)
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2. Form an “independent” body to investigate the cause of the crisis even though 95% of Malaysian already know the actual cause, the culprits and steps to remedy. This way, you can always say “wait for the outcome of the investigation” whilst brushing aside the questions & allegations. To be on the safe side, head the “independent” body yourself – this way you can control the pace of the investigation.
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3. Show the people who is the boss around (but make sure discard this attitude during elections – during election, you are the “servant” of the rakyat) and arrogantly inform the media that the people have “accepted” the outcome of the investigation even though the outcome sounded almost like a cover-up.
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4. Clown around during Parliament session but be quick to shoot down any motion by any Opposition MP to discuss on the crisis – once again use the “independent” investigating body as an excuse
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5. No matter how busy you are – always make sure that you are among the first few who are greeting the PM at the airport from his overseas trip. Once the PM has made the decision, kick-in into high gear and start working on the decision. Disregard the fact that the PM's decision should have been made by you in the first place, long time ago.
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6. Use the “God” element – either say it is an act of God or use the Holy Scriptures to swear in front of the media. Simple reason - no one can questions God. A public hugging and crying will add the “ommpphh” to your acting, so don’t mind doing it couple times (even better if it is done during a major celebrations such as the National Day).
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7. Rely on Malaysians’ short term memory – give it a month or two and the public will regard it as “old news”. You can count on it! You can then safely sweep the crisis under the carpet and get on with your life.
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There is more than enough pointers for you people who are aspiring to be a Malaysian politician. For additional material, read also my earlier assessment in Disasters and Malaysian’s readiness (I told you so, it sounded all too familiar).
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(Filed under Del.icio.us Tag: Malaysian Politics)
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